Love Letter #11- on Self-Awareness & Experimental Faith
With references from "The Creative Act: A Way of Being" by Rick Rubin
Recently I’ve been reflecting on the time in my life that I made the decision to pursue hairdressing as a career. I was 19 years old, and following the collegiate path that we were told would lead us to an abundant and stable life. When I look back, I remember more than anything, feeling so alone and unsatisfied with the prospect of my life path at that moment. I was craving more expression and a new experience; something that I had made an informed decision to pursue (not just what was expected of me) and that would lead me to a place of self-sufficiency and independence.
Starting over can be such a terrifying thing. When you’ve invested your time, energy, or love into something or someone, the prospect of moving forward without can easily cloud the mind with all of the possibilities & potential negative outcomes. As someone who likes to weigh out all the pro’s and con’s before making a decision, it’s easy for those moments to become debilitating; getting stuck in the fear of what could happen, rather than choosing a path and discovering what it leads to. Years ago I received sage advice on the art of decision making (especially in stressful/life altering circumstances) which was: Decide on the simple truths. My 19 year old self knew a few simple things: I was dissatisfied, I knew I wanted to do something with my hands, and I didn’t want anyone to have influence over my decision making.
I don’t know if I fully understood the radical shift that would take place in my life by deciding to pursue this career. That it would lead me around the world, working with some of the world’s leading designers, celebrities, musicians, and models — let alone, that it would all begin with a decision I made exclusively for myself. At that time in my life, I knew it wasn’t about the people around me. Though my friends cared for my well being, and my family only wanted the best for me — I needed to hear my own voice. I remember walking away from certain friendships built on unhealthy foundations, ended a relationship that was limiting my self-expression, and left my family out of the conversation entirely. I committed myself to 3 months of no outside feedback before I would tell anyone that I was in cosmetology school and used that solitary moment to decide whether I was going to keep pursuing this career or pivot to something else. Needless to say, 12 years later I’m still grateful for my younger self’s decision.
“To be self-aware is to have the ability to tune in to what we think, how we feel, and how much we feel it without interference. To notice how we notice the outside world.
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Our definition of self-awareness as artists relates directly to the way we tune in to our inner experience, not the way we are externally perceived. The more we identify with our self as it exists through the eyes of others, the more disconnected we become and the less energy we have to draw from.”
-Rick Rubin in “The Creative Act: A Way of Being”
Simplifying the context of our decisions to ourselves alone, allows for us to see with greater clarity; moving on instinct rather than over-intellectualizing. Without external expectations or pressures, we free ourselves to fully immerse into what’s in front of us, or pivot without the weight of explanation; being able to move on the ‘gut-feeling’ and intuition alone.
I know for myself, the expectations I place on something — or better yet, the hopes I have for the outcome, can dictate the decisions I make greater than my curiosity to simply try and experiment. When we begin a new life path or a new creative project, the outcome is completely out of our control. The truth is, in the beginning we may not even know where we are going, but it is our responsibility to ourselves to continue moving in the dark, to keep trying things & testing the possibilities until something works.
“If we are willing to take each step into the unknown with grit and determination, carrying with us all of our collected knowledge, we will ultimately get to where we’re going. This destination may not be the one we’ve chosen in advance. It will likely be more interesting.
This isn’t a matter of blind belief in yourself. It’s a matter of experimental faith.
After all, how can we offer the art what it needs without blind trust? We are required to believe in something that doesn’t exist in order to allow it to come into being.”
-Rick Rubin
I hope as you go into this week that you find the confidence, willpower, and experimental faith you need to pursue what is calling to your heart. I hope that you are reminded that community is born through authentic expression and the more we allow ourselves to explore the many facets of who we are, the more like-minded community will arrive on our path. More than anything, I hope this serves as a reminder that you are never alone, and that we’re all alongside you on this journey of becoming.
Until next time,
Gabe Jenkins
This spoke to me, thanks for sharing gabe!!
Thank you from someone you helped hear his own voice.